Fallout New Vegas: fixing every bug and glitch

This is so random but this is so funny. I did not write this, this was posted by a gamefaqs/gamespot user named yatola. For reference, Fallout 3 New Vegas was a very buggy game, and concerns have been voiced to Obsideon asking them to fix certain bugs and glitches.

Michael Bay and I are not only the most intelligent minds in Hollywood, but also great programmers. Currently we are more then 80% done working on a new patch to revolutionize the mainstream into buying and playing this game, and to fix everything wrong with it. Check our idea's out

1 - Every single glitch, freeze up, scorpions in the floor, quest characters not being present, will simply turn into an explosion of game-over proportions. You were going to reload your last save anyway, right? Now we can do it for you. These explosions will be epic, constant, and in your face. even when shooting a pistol now, or throwing a knife, there's a 30% chance the enemy will explode. This may lead to you thinking "well I'll just use melee weapons cuz i don't want everything to explode"....however......

1.5 - all melee weapon/unarmed damage will be reduced 85%, all non pyro/explosive weapon damage is reduced by only 30%, but accuracy for all shooting weapons is down 90%. If any character except yourself is wearing a black leather jacket, has prison tattoos, or has his hair gelled back, THEY CANNOT BE SHOT. If they possess all 3 of these characteristics, they cannot be blown up either. You can target them, but the rounds never hit. Also, all pyro/explosive weapon damage is up 250%, and has increased radius of destruction.

2 - 2,200+ characters in the game? They all gotta talk too? We'll fix that, they'll be only 500 ACTUAL characters in the game, and those ones left will only say maybe 20% of their dialogue, which will turn mostly into "What.....I don't know how to show personality...I'm in a michael bay movie....don't make me act...." your goal is to try to get them to man up and FIGHT U, which will be explained later. Macho toughness comes in the form of the other 1,700 characters will turn into ninja zombies, equipped with swords, laser rifles, and eating grenade pins instead of brains. That means if you have grenades on you, they're going to eat the pin off them, so you better throw em quick. They also say witty, Austrian accent battle lines to compensate for the total lack of dialogue, like "YOU WANT SOME OF THIS?!??! COME GET IT....HOUSER!" "WHAT...YOU THINK YOU CAN TAKE ME....HOUSER?!?" "AUSTA LA VISTA...HOUSER!!!" and "...I can't believe it's not butter"

2.5 - Mr Burke returns, except this time he happens to be at every single city you go too, asking you if you want to BLOW IT UP. If you don't carry enough explosives on you to destroy the town, he'll think you're a wuss and BLOWS UP the town with you in it. If you turn him down more then 3 times, he blows YOU UP. if you intentionally avoid him, after your 5th random town/city visit, he will BLOW YOUR PHONE UP. If you avoid towns altogether, after 10 game hours, Mr Burke will BLOW HIMSELF UP, but this causes the game to glitch instantly and you have to restart, (couldn't fix all the bugs, sorry). If you ever tell Burke the dialogue option "...why do you always have to blow something up?" then the PS3/Xbox/PC BLOWS UP Mr Burke now wears a leather jacket, gels his hair back, and has a spider web tat on his neck.

3 - The Casino's gambling is okay....but there isn't enough going on. Now everytime you place a bet, there's a 30% chance you'll offend "the families", and they'll sound out cannibal samurai mutants out to slice you up n' eat you, and throw you in a hole in the desert. The only way to actually kill them, however, is by jumping on a bus and having it go over 50 miles per hour, which loses the mutants but then you'll hear a weird clicking sound, see Sandra Bullock driving the greyhound, Keanu Reeves trying to calm everyone down by saying "DUDES....JUST CHILL...WE'RE NARLY OKAY?!?! WE'RE JUST NARLY!" and hear Dennis Hoppers voice over the radio going "HEY ****FACE!!! WANNA PLAY A GAME?!?!?" Then that red cheeked weird puppet from SAW stands up out of his seat and says "Wow this is so unoriginal, I'm out" and you have to stop him before the bus explodes, or he makes another movie.

4 - the barter/speech skill has been modified greatly. Now instead of being used for intellectual negotiations and making smart decisions, it is now used to be able to provoke anyone into a fight. We put Mother Teresa as an in-game character. With a high enough speech level, you'll be able to ask her "Remember that time we were in Vegas, and I video-taped you drunk off that GHB vodka tonic I gave you, sucking the Devil's **** whiled I was snorting lines of coke off your bible and butt slammin' your sister in the confessional booth with the radio tuned to Marilyn Manson? I don't either, but the tape sold on Ebay pretty well, think after I buy a Lexus and a hooker I'll donate the rest of the profits to Ke$ha" You'll never see an aging pacifist nun pull out an uzi and shoot so fast in your life, we promise.